7 Steps to Stop Sandbagging Yourself
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7 unusbscribes?
I stare at my MailChimp report in unblinking shock.
All on the same day?
As my body sits paralyzed, my meaning-making mind kicks into overdrive.
- What did I say wrong?
- How did I drive them away?
- Why don’t they like me any more?
Now, I notice a new Email from Annemarie.
With my first mental window open–-still vigorously processing 7 unsubscribes all on the same day–I click “Read” and feel my heart sink.
Bad news.
She’s supposed to march in June. Her solo art show opens in early April. But suddenly, she needs 9 more units in order to graduate.
My pulse quickens.
- This isn’t right.
- How did I let this happen.
- If only I’d been a better mother …
My mental windows merge, producing the message:
- Anyone who has 7 unusbscribes in the same day and whose daughter suddenly needs 9 more units to graduate …
This merging of mental windows has been normal for so long, I almost forget to question it.
It’s so natural for me to pile one stressful episode on top of another, to experience exponentially increasing anxiety.
But although this habit has been automatic for decades, it’s not inevitable.
I can create a “new normal.”
If you, too, are a stress-full self-sandbagger — or if you love someone who is — here are seven steps I’m finding helpful as I retrain my brain to stop auto-merging mental windows:
1. Stop, Step Back, and Get Perspective.
My entire goal, here, is to keep myself from getting in too deep too quick. So, I’m developing an arsenal of simple interruptors:
- writing in my prayer journal
- calling a friend for five minutes
- going for a short walk
- pulling out my art basket
How can I Push Pause right now? is my go-to question.
2. Check the Connections.
I love having the famous female “spaghetti” brain that connects everything rather than pigeon-holing life in little waffle boxes.
But sometimes I need to ask myself: Am I force-fitting events that don’t naturally belong together? Skyrocketing big emotions are a big clue that this is what I’m trying to do.
3. Suspend Judgment
It’s instinctive to start interpreting a situation immediately. Unfortunately, this means I’m making meaning before I have the facts. And when I make meaning minus the details, I am mean to myself.
I’m learning to switch into information-gathering mode. When tempted to jump to conclusions, I ask, What information will help me form the best possible interpretation? and keep curious.
4. Test for Triggers
Over-reactions tell me that I’ve been triggered, that my current reaction is not about the current situation. It’s about an old and/or deep fear. Like my fear of being a disposbile friend or a truly Bad Mom.
While I want to honor my emotions and not stuff them, I also want to be alert to hijacking attempts. Asking What tender spot is being triggered? helps me feel what’s real without being swept away by a tsunami wave from the emotion ocean.
5. See the Bigger Picture
When I hyper-focus on a few stress-producing details, they quickly feel like the only things true about my life. But they are not. Yes, 7 people unsubscribed from my blog. All on the same day. But on that exact same day, more than 100 women took my Reader Survey and many left comments of Kleenex-requiring affirmation and appreciation!
So I must ask myself What else is true? and then be intentional about seeing, hearing, and experiencing these other truths.
6. Rehearse Truth
What we women hear, we take to heart. And since we’re with ourselves 24/7, the negative ruminations of our minds are so easily reinforced in our hearts. If I’m not careful, messages like
- How did this …
- Why don’t they …
- If only I had …
end up on automatic replay.
I wonder my way back into the Word when I ask What Truth can I rehearse instead of this worry?
7. Seek Strength
My life-long modus operandi has been to dive in and fix things as fast as possible so I can feel better as soon as possible. This MEgocentric MO is responsible for many a miserable mess.
My goal now is to dely action and ask What is God telling me about this situation? The answer to this question requires time. Space. Being still. And knowing that He (not me) is God.
So, do these seven steps lead to a happily-ever-after ending?
I guess it depends on how you define “happily.”
Today, I’m focused on you, the woman who is reading my blog. Thinking about you, perhaps in a different state or even a different country, I am happy.
As for the 7 women who decided to unsubscribe? I’m happy that their Email box isn’t being clogged up with anything from me.
Annemarie’s graduation situation hasn’t been solved. But instead of going into frantic fix-it mode, I sent her a letter with clarifying questions and some encouragement which she said was very helpful. I’m happy that (a) I didn’t make things worse and that (b) I’m able to offer support.
For me, this is all becoming a “new normal” in a hopefully-ever-after life.
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You have just hit it out of the park with this post! That was me yesterday! Thank you for the excellent food for thought! As for those who have un subscribed, here is my 2cents. I have decided to really narrow down who I subscribe to/ follow, etc. I was following a lot if great ppl/pages/blogs, etc. But it was taking up too much time and just overloading me. It was hard to choose who should stay- part of my decluttering process online. In the midst of it, I chose to start/keep following you! ((Hugs))
Thanks Cheri. Just what I needed to hear today. It is as if you climbed into my head and read my thoughts ๐ Thanks for helping me process what I have been feeling.
I’m so glad I found your blog! I think I have commented several times about how I feel you are putting my feelings into words. I very much relate to and identify with your post and appreciate your suggestions and advise. Please keep writing and encouraging readers like me ๐
This kind of thing has happened to me twice this week…once about 30 minutes before I received the email with this blog post. What a blessing it was to get this message today! Thank you ๐
By the way, I know that feeling when people unsubscribe. But then I remember a piece of advice that a blogging coach gave me…you don’t want anyone but your biggest fans on your list/Facebook page/ Twitter account, etc., so when people unsubscribe, it’s actually a good thing!
I hope everything works out with Annemarie’s graduation ๐
I love that Erin “you don’t want anyone but your biggest fans on your list, etc.” And that is true… but so hard to remember when people leave!
Cheri, I got “that sinking feeling” for you when I read about the -7. I’d subscribe 7x to make up for it! It is truly their loss. And as for pushing pause? Yeah, I need to figure that one out too–not so easy sometimes! But when I find something that works, it’s amazing. <3
Cheri, your processing is so helpful to me. Thank you for sharing. I need to identify how to “press pause”, deal with triggers, rehearse truth, and everything else you mentioned. I’m in a situation right now that would have benefited from following your process. Thankfully it’s not too late.