What a Bout of Self-Sabotage Can Teach You About Yourself
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“Weigh yourself.”
It’s my third morning in the hotel exercise room. My two-day workshop ended yesterday, and today I drive from Franklin to Nashville to spend the morning with my writing coach.
Weigh myself? Why?
I didn’t weigh in the day I arrived. So I have no basis for comparison. And I know I’ve been eating more than usual. So the number on the scale is guaranteed to be a “bad” one.
I choose to focus on a different number: 30 minutes on the ellipcital. But the entire time, I’m hounded with the suggestion:
“Weigh yourself.”
I shower and head to breakfast. All week, I’ve had a simple but solid start to my day: Raisin Bran and scrambled eggs.
Today, however, I hear:
“Grab a warm cinnamon roll.”
They’ve been dallopped with extra cream cheese frosting (my favorite thing!) that’s melting into their concentric rings.
But I’m meeting Allison at a coffee shop where I’ll order a mocha and a slab of coffee cake. I don’t need a Costco cinnamon roll right now, no matter how adorable it looks or fabulous it smells.
I have to take my cereal to my room to get away from the relentless demand:
“Grab a warm cinnamon roll.”
No sooner does my door shut than a new idea assults me:
“Stop by a Starbucks along the way for a mocha and Michigan cherry oat bar.”
I check the time.
I’m running later than I’d like, but if I hurry and traffic cooperates…
No!
I’m meeting Allision at a coffee shop! I don’t need to make an extra stop.
But even as I pack, the idea woodpeckers my brain:
- “Stop by a Starbucks along the way…”
- “Stop by a Starbucks along the way…”
- “Stop by a Starbucks along the way…”
Why So Much Self-Sabotage?
As I drive to Nashville — having not weighed myself, not grabbed a warm cinnamon roll, and not stopped by a Starbucks — I wonder:
What is wrong with me?
Oops — wrong question.
I try a new skill* and ask:
What is going on with me today?
It’s as if some part of me wants to make me feel bad.
- To see an awful number on the scale so I feel bad.
- To fill my stomach with sugar so I feel bad.
- To make an extra stop so I run late and feel bad.
What is going on?
Why do I need to feel bad?
Why Would Good Trigger Bad?
This has been an amazing trip.
Joanne Kraft graciously toured me through Franklin on Sunday afternoon. We talked books and speaking and parenting and toured the Lotz House.
I spent Monday and Tuesday at the StoryBrand workshop with Donald Miller, learning a ton and having some inspired “ah-HA!” moments.
On Monday my cousin Steve took me to lunch and invited me for supper at his home with his family.
Tuesday, Ilonka and I spent the lunch hour catching up.
After months of Skyping, I’m about to meet Allison Vesterfelt f-2-f and finish up a brand new book proposal we’ve been working on together.
Why – after all this good – do I need to feel bad?
The answer comes quick and quiet:
Feeling bad is the only way I get to rest.
The only two valid reasons for rest in my life?
- illness
- injury
Otherwise, rest is for wimps.
At least, that’s how I’ve lived most of my life.
Re-View
I reflect on my trip:
- Constant interaction with people with little “down” time
- Non-stop input of new ideas with no time to process
- Lots of trial and tons of error while putting new ideas into practice
- A new “Ah-HA!” that keeps hitting me in the gut as it goes deeper **
And I realize:
I’m tired.
Just plain tired.
Do Something New
I spend a great morning with Allison. We make stellar progress on my proposal. By 1:00 PM, as I head to my hotel, I’m more excited about it than I’ve ever been.
I’ll see if I can get an early check-in and keep working. With any luck, I can be DONE with it by …
Then, I remember:
I’m tired.
So I go to my room. Change into yoga pants and a comfy top. Set my iPod to quiet piano hymns by David Baroni.
And I do the one thing I need most.
As I rest, all thoughts of weighing in and grabbing warm cinnamon rolls and stopping by Starbucks all fade.
To silence.
Later, I’ll wonder: Is this why I self-sabotage? To make myself feel bad so I’m forced to rest?
For now, I just rest.
And enjoy feeling good.
How do you recognize when you need rest?
(* I’ll be writing about this new skill next week!)
(** I’ll be writing about this new ah-HA! next week!)
As I read this NOW, I am exhausted. I’ve been pushing through a long season of chronic illness because I feel that by staying in bed, I’m letting my family down.
I’m from a family of Hard driven, type A women and my AfroNative American background promotes strength by never stopping when the Going gets rough and don’t sweat anything EVER!!!
I know I’m sabatoging myself when that little voice inside says,”I need a break now,” but I push past it!
The next sign is going from enjoying people to hating and blaming them for making me do what I don’t want.
I just read this and it really spoke to me. I have a friend who rests and feels no guilt about it. So when I talk to her, she reminds me that as a Mom/Homeschooler of 5 littles, I do need to slow down and rest. When she says stuff like that my inner self says, oh you need more rest, I’m fine. Truth is, when I slow down and look inside….I am completely exhausted, but I keep on pushing cause I feel that I need to, to keep up with what others may think of me. I think I want every one to think that I can do EVERYTHING! Maybe better than that, I am trying to tell myself that I can do EVERYTHING without crashing. HELP .
I know I need rest when I start getting short-tempered and impatient with people. If I don’t listen to my body, it cranks up the volume with a headache. Isn’t it amazing that our bodies can be smarter than we are?
I know I need rest when I find myself not really listening to my family when they are explaining something or telling me about there day. A voice inside me is trying to rush them along with it, interrupting them when I shouldn’t to help speed it up. While also internally thinking about what I still have left to do in my day, dinner, chores etc…. When I start to do this I’m learning to STOP, empty my brain. look them in the eye and give them my complete attention. After all what is more important… My loved ones or my to do list! Bonus – this also makes me stop and rest!
Wow! I never really thought about it like this, but I do the same thing! Definitely an eye opener, and I would so much rather just take a nap!
Typically, like many women, it takes my getting sick to force me to rest. But lately, my mind has been full of so many thoughts, it’s left me sleepless and exhausted, with anxieties high. I have been on the go with my ambitions. Thinking things were going well, many of those ambitions were given big fat no’s this week, and/or the ever frustrating “wait” answer. I have no doubt that God is asking me to slow down for a little. To rest. To invest in the important things- my family. It’s not to say my ambitions have been bad or even not from God. But they certainly were consuming my energies…. and as I have begun to relinquish those things to Him, last night I had my first full night of sleep in a few weeks. He’s asking me to rest. To give Him my dreams and ambitions and let Him guide me with them. Hard to do! But oh, how I feel so much more peace when I do. And rest.
One way I recognize I need rest…..I find myself rushing, pushing, feeling like I’m almost having an out of the body expereince cause I’m sooooo stressed out. My thoughts are not in sync with my bodily actions, my words are sharp, quick and not gentle. I almost feel like busyness or rushing is a sin for me!!!!!! God wants me to slow down, not rush, take in my thoughts and actions and pay attention to peoples reactions to me. All these things show me that I am not keeping in sync with my inner safe place, where God speaks to me.
Wow, this really hit home with me. I self – sabotage and didn’t even know it! I’m sharing on FB and would Love the books!
Several years ago, God told me to do less. Since then I’ve been slowly, very slowly, learning how to rest. And how to have fun again.
Wow Cheri, as I was reading this I kept thinking “Cheri has climbed into my brain, no…my life”. My unspoken life slogan is “you will rest when you are dead”. Not even illness and injury…just keeping working through the pain. I’ve come to realize that one of the reasons I struggle with taking rest is that I don’t feel like I deserve or have earned rest. One of my goals for 2015 is to be deliberate about rest and Sabbath. It is not something that I earn but something that God wants me to do.
Oh wow! This was an aha post for me. I do the exact same thing except mine usually takes the form of excessive (and obsessive) exercise followed by “comfort” foods which is followed by a sugar crash which results in me having a break down so that my husband forces me to take a break and get some rest.
Thank you for writing this. I needed to see this today.
I took my four children to the library today and FELL ASLEEP there!!! I think that is a sure sign that I need to rest!!!!! It usually takes a very clear sign like that to “wake me up” to the fact that I need to rest!
I have started Kathy’s 21 day challenge!
I can definitely relate to this post. unfortunately sometimes I dont know I need rest until I am sick.
I signed up for the clutter-free challenge.
Cheri,
What an eye opener! I self-sabotage and never once thought to ask the question, “What is going on with me today?” Thank you for writing this article.
Jodi
p.s. I am signed up for Kathi’s clutter free challenge and I shared on twitter.
I’m signed up for the 21 day challenge and I shared this post.
I signed up for the 21 day clutter challenge! My office of paperwork stresses me. I don’t work well with clutter and yet, things keep piling up. I recognize I need rest too much because I sabotage my energy with too much negative, self-talk then get worn out and ineffective for anything. I’ve been told I’m way too hard on myself, that perfectionism thing, and sometimes, it’s so natural, I don’t even realize it. But I have been convicted by God that change will not come if I am not willing to change through Him; obey Him and listen. Slow down and be still with Him. He is Holy and wants me to be Holy. How can I be if I’m not listening to what He is saying to me. I stay on the run…is that running away. Don’t know, but I am so like you in that I don’t like the negatives that I allow to pull me down and with Christ in me, He can empower me to be disciplined and make appropriate, good choices for me. I’m ready now! I want to be a better mom and wife; engaged, enthusiastic, and energized. And a better person that can give to others, be more selfless instead of selfish. Heavenly Father, hear my cry.
Normally I only rest when I get sick. Then, it becomes a forced thing. I didn’t realize it until I read this. Can’t wait to hear more.
I’m thinking about how ironic it is that while I’ve been reading and commenting on your blog this week you’ve been probably less than 15 miles from me. I live in Spring Hill. It’s one city over from Franklin. I saw the photos but for some reason didn’t put it together that Don’s seminar was here.
Sounds like you’ve been really busy anyway. By I still wonder why I can’t seem to keep up with all that’s going on in life. Guess that’s my “inner bully” talking now.
Safe travels home!
Wow… gulp… *eyes opened* I did this on Tuesday night. The exact same thing, except in my Michelle way. I “let” something make me mad, and I spiraled into a very negative thought pattern… and now I wonder if it’s because it’s the only way I can get people to leave me alone and not talk to me. The only way I can see and justify getting some “me” quiet time. I’m going to have to watch for this more closely. Thank you for this “Ah ha!!!” moment into understanding myself and behaviours better 🙂
Naps are good. I think our country would be a much friendlier, nicer one if we all took a nap once in a while! I know I’m at the end of my rope when I hear myself say “I’m tired”. I don’t mean physically tired, just mentally drained of all patience. That’s when I take a break.
We could be sisters you know! Wished we lived closer to each other- I could invite you over for coffee and a cinnamon roll- and you won’t have to make that stop on the way! 🙂