Six Right Choices to Make After Any Mistake
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This is all my fault.
Even as I vainly slam on the brakes, I know the truth:
This is all my fault.
Even as I hear metal crunch against metal, I know:
This is all my fault.
Even as I watch the hood buckle up and toward me:
This is all my fault.
Dazed, I pull off the road to exchange information with the driver of the jeep I’ve just plowed into.
My brain starts spewing specific accusations:
- Now you’ve ruined …
- Daniel will be so …
- This is going to cost …
But with each one, I make the same vital choice:
I will not think this thought right now.
6 Things I’m Glad I Did
It’s been three weeks since I totaled my husband’s beloved 2005 Pathfinder. The flurry of necessary activity — making insurance calls, picking up a rental car, walking through the damage assessment, visiting the chiropractor, shopping for a new car, filing the required DMV report — has subsided.
As I reflect back, I see six choices I made (and am still making) to take good gentle care of my HSP self.
1 — I chose my response.
Even as my old habits of anxiety-driven self-condemnation started to rise up, I smacked them right back down.
Consciously. Intentionally.
I did not berate myself in the moment. Nor did I beat myself up the way I used to in the days or weeks after.
2 — I chose which voices to listen to.
Well-intentioned family and friends have had all sorts of “helpful” things to say about the accident:
- “How could you …?”
- “You know what this is going to do to your insurance rates, don’t you?”
- “What a shame. It was such a great car.”
I’ve regularly reminded myself:
I can’t control what I hear, but I can choose what I take to heart.
I’m intentionally internalizing the reassurances of those who say
- “It could have been so much worse.”
- “Cars are replaceable; people aren’t.”
- “What matters most is that you’re okay.”
3 — I chose to detach the wreck from the weekend.
The accident occurred as I was driving home from speaking at a retreat.
But thinking about the retreat doesn’t trigger thoughts of how the wreck “ruined the entire weekend.”
It didn’t, because I’ve intentionally processed them as separate events.
4 — I chose to learn from my mistake.
It turns out that there is a significant increase in car accidents after a time change.
I’ve red-flagged the next time changes on my calendar with bright Post-It Notes that say, “Beware of travel after time change!”
5 — I chose (and continue to choose) not to punish myself.
Car payments were not in the plan for this season of our life. Daniel’s 2005 Pathfinder was supposed to last another ten years. I’m making major adjustments to our budget because I am responsible for this accident, and there are consequences.
The upcoming years will require extra discipline. I’ll need to say “no” to a lot of things I’d hoped to say “yes” to. I will say “no” firmly, but not unkindly.
Discipline, yes. Punishment, no.
6 — I chose (and continue to choose) gratitude.
“…in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Despite all that went wrong, I am grateful that…
- …I did not cause a second accident when I tried to drive home, only to have the front hood flip up and block the windshield.
- …a family friend happened to drive by right as the tow truck arrived. He drove me to the body shop, helped me empty the Pathfinder, and drove me home, all with compassion and without complaint.
- …we have excellent insurance that has taken incredibly good care of us.
- …a 2015 Pathfinder with everything Daniel wanted was available for far less than we expected to pay.
- …Anxiety Girl has made only minor appearances. Instead of having a major meltdown, I’ve had a healthy mix of rest and medical care for my aches and pains, plus an intensive productivity schedule to help me make up for lost time and get caught up with work.
6 Right Choices to Make After Any Mistake
In the aftermath of a mistake, the consequences often limit our choices. Practice these six choices now, so they’ll be at your disposal when you need them most:
- Choose your response.
- Choose which voices to listen to.
- Choose to detach from triggers.
- Choose to learn from your mistake.
- Choose discipline; reject punishment.
- Choose gratitude.
Your Turn
Which of these six choices comes most naturally to you? Which one takes the most effort?
Hardest: I hear the wrong voices and dwell on it for weeks. I punish myself. And I throw a pity party.
Not sure any of the options are easy at this young stage. However, I plan to put this list in a visual spot and refer to it daily!
I can’t really say that any of these choices resonate with me! But I was reminded that many years ago, just before I bought my first car, I knew that there was a really good chance that I’d unintentionally lock my keys inside, and probably more than once. So I decided to give myself permission/grace to goof, and also made sure that I got AAA so I’d have the help when needed. I wish that had been a habit I kept up – to often I find myself feeling foolish or berating myself.
I try to look for a silver lining and something positive so choosing gratitude is probably the one that comes most natural. However, on the flip side, those damning voices!!! I beat myself up emotionally this way too often.
So glad you are alright and are able to look at the situation logically! A great lesson for all of us!